I worked with this classification of students for over 10 years and have seen some really interesting things, but not what most people would think of first.

Though it is noble to to include the E.D. student in regular classrooms and for the parents to try to get help for the child that doesn't involve medication, the results are often devastating for the rest of the family.

When considering inclusion and medication, it is actually more helpful, and I believe more ethical, to place the needs of other members of the family ahead of the needs of the E.D. child. Where the likelihood of the E.D. child gaining control over their emotions is probably slim, the stress of their manifestations is guaranteed to have a detrimental affect on siblings and may threaten the marriage itself.

Quality of life should be your first concern.

I absolutely agree, both as a parent and someone who has worked with families of and children with EDs. It's so easy for a family to fall into a pattern of revolving around the child with the disorder which creates a very unhappy and unhealthy environment for the rest of the family. It makes it hard for the other people in the home to define themselves as individuals.

That is a very good point that I never really even thought of. But now that I look back on friends that have children like this I see exactly what you mean. You do need to think of the family as a whole and not just the individual child.

In general, too many parents make their children the entire focus of their lives. Although your children must feel that they are important they should never made to be feel they are better than anyone else. Kids today are being raised with feelings of entitlement that will only harm them in the real world. With an emotional ditsurbed child you have to try and help them cope while letting them no certain behaviours will not be tolerated by society.

What is the definition of an emotionally disturbed child? At what point does it become something else. My wife has a son of 15 from a previous relationship, who I have tried to form some type of relationship with over the last 4 years. He swears at his mother, has been violent towards us both, stays out all night and shows no remorse. We've been down the counselling route, but to no avail. Is this emotionall disturbed or something much worse?

Originally Posted by Sortofstepdad

What is the definition of an emotionally disturbed child? At what point does it become something else. My wife has a son of 15 from a previous relationship, who I have tried to form some type of relationship with over the last 4 years. He swears at his mother, has been violent towards us both, stays out all night and shows no remorse. We've been down the counselling route, but to no avail. Is this emotionall disturbed or something much worse?

It's hard to know exactly, but violence toward parents isn't a "normal" teenage behavior. You say you've tried counseling. Has your stepson been formally evaluated by a psychiatrist or physician to rule out any organic processes? And, by this I include things like Bipolar Disorder (for example) which are also organically based.

Originally Posted by Sortofstepdad

What is the definition of an emotionally disturbed child? At what point does it become something else. My wife has a son of 15 from a previous relationship, who I have tried to form some type of relationship with over the last 4 years. He swears at his mother, has been violent towards us both, stays out all night and shows no remorse. We've been down the counselling route, but to no avail. Is this emotionall disturbed or something much worse?

It doesn't need to be worse for you to take action to alleviate this situation. Some emotionally disturbed children, in fact most, don't accept consequences and are antisocial. Violence isn't unusual and their behaviors are not necessarily related to any recent trauma.

As with everything, there is a sliding scale but when you see it, you tend to know something isn't right.

Firstly thank you for your attention and time. Psychiatrically speaking, he has had an evaluation, the reult of which was that there was no signs of depression and that there appeared to be no evidence to support further evaluations. He's had a health check up, where his diet was fully discussed.

Over time he has become more and more anti-social. As for not accepting consequences, I've not heard him apologise or show any remorse for over two years.

His father ahd been out of the picture for almost ten years, but contact was re-made about two years ago. They meet sporadically, perhaps for a couple of hours a month. Promises are made and not kept. After one particularly nasty episode, his father was included in discussions as to the best course of action, but to be honest, it caused more harm than good.

My wife is once again approaching her wits end, and we are out of ideas as what to try next. (Our proposal to re-discuss boundaries for all within the household, was met with "I'm not ******* doin' it!"

Any suggestions as to where to go now?

Originally Posted by Sortofstepdad

(Our proposal to re-discuss boundaries for all within the household, was met with "I'm not ******* doin' it!" Any suggestions as to where to go now?

You may have to decide how hard a line you're willing to take. If you, as parents, feel the need to set boundaries and your child refuses to acknowledge those boundaries than in a way you've lost any control over the situation. You know you need them but if you step back and say "what can we do he doesn't want to participate" then what happens? You may have to set up a contract of sorts and have significant consequences if your (step)son refuses to comply. Maybe you withdraw financial support and expect him to get a job or, worst case scenario, tell him that he's not welcome to live in your home unless he abides to certain rules.

This is where further evaluation could be helpful to see if there is something else you need to address first. More simply, is he happy? Will he tell you if you ask?

Originally Posted by happy2bg33k

You may have to decide how hard a line you're willing to take. If you, as parents, feel the need to set boundaries and your child refuses to acknowledge those boundaries than in a way you've lost any control over the situation. You know you need them but if you step back and say "what can we do he doesn't want to participate" then what happens? You may have to set up a contract of sorts and have significant consequences if your (step)son refuses to comply. Maybe you withdraw financial support and expect him to get a job or, worst case scenario, tell him that he's not welcome to live in your home unless he abides to certain rules. This is where further evaluation could be helpful to see if there is something else you need to address first. More simply, is he happy? Will he tell you if you ask?

These are all good, solid and reasonable approaches. It might be time to seek foster care or residential treatment so that you and your wife are not bearing the brunt of his hostility. Many times, having these problems in the household lead to divorce and I don't think you really want that.