I would say 'spy' on your children if you need to, but let it grow out of a regime into a relationship of trust. That would mean that by the time your child reaches 18 they will no longer need supervision and be able to make all the big decisions on their own.

No matter what we do, we cannot force our values on our kids. At the end of the day they are still people and have their own minds. We can, like you said, teach by example and teach why we do things a certain way. We can also teach all the negative consequences that come from making bad decisions. Teaching negative consequences by telling stories and such I think can be effective because somebody else has already been a bad example and kids can see the negative consequences in their lives. This can help preventing teen pregnancy, drug use, crime and violence.

I think it is important to prioritize what is important and what isn't as important, along with separating what you do out of personal belief from what civilized law expects.

This provides a sound foundation for a healthy relationship with your kids and keeps you mindful of where you end, and they begin.

Originally Posted by tater03

Leading by example is so true. I try to remember this when raising our two sons. Also having friends with like minded parents is great. It is actually finding those parents and friends that is hard. I have a seven year old who has to stay in front of our house when he is outside. He can have friends over but alot of his friends are allowed to run the streets and the problem I am seeing now is he wants to go to there house and play. But I am uncomfortable with that because if this child can be in my backyard for four hours at a time and noone ever comes to see where he is at then I am not sure what he will be allowed to do at that particular childs house.

I am the same with my oldest, he is 7. He asks me why I will not let him go and play a certain friends homes. I try to explain that I have to know the parents before I let him go somewhere.
Now, the new thing is that he wants to go to his friends homes for sleep overs. I think he is still too young to do this.

Originally Posted by SageMother

I think it is important to prioritize what is important and what isn't as important, along with separating what you do out of personal belief from what civilized law expects. This provides a sound foundation for a healthy relationship with your kids and keeps you mindful of where you end, and they begin.

I couldn't agree more on both points. I think sometimes we don't think enough about why we are saying no or not allowing something and when we stop to think about it realize it's really not important. I also think that the most essential part of parenting is guiding children to be their own person not a copy or extension of you. If you've given them a good foundation they should do okay in the end!

I agree with most of what's been said, but I disagree wtih mtajim's statement that "you can't limit your children from doing this and that." I'm sorry. If you live in my house, I put food on the table, and I take care of you, you'll live by my rules. Once you move out of my house, you may do as you please.

I do agree that you should live your values in front of your children and give them someone to emulate, but I still think you can give them rules that keep them from doing things that you know are destructive - drinking, smoking pot, taking drugs, jumping off of buildings, etc.

Try not to be afraid of talking to your children about the more frightening issues that children will encounter in the early teens and childhood. Those fears that you experienced might be even more powerful if your child feels anxiety from a lack of knowledge or support from their parents. Remember, they can and will idolize you if that communication is real, honest and forthcoming. The minute we shy away from that communication because we are afraid of skewing a child's view is when we begin to compromise our own values, and essentially begin teaching our children ways to manipulate their own values.
Talk to them tonight, today, this afternoon. Create a casual regularity of touching base with your children without straying because you're afraid they won't be your best friend; instead they may become more responsive to your willingness to share things on a deeper level with them.

Thanks for this wonderful list of tips, parents nowadays surely need all the kinds of help they can get, and simple reads like this are very much appreciated. Thanks again for the insights!