My friend told me when her kids were little, she always spanked them when they misbehaved - I guess because that's the way she was raised. Her oldest, now 16, just told her that her spankings used to give her nightmares. Now she has second thoughts about spanking. Is there another way to discipline?

I do not believe in spanking. There are a variety of ways to teach your children to behave without using physical punishment

The only times that I've ever even been tempted to spank my daughter have been times when she has scared me. (The one that comes to mind first is when she ran into a parking lot with her head turned back at me laughing while I yelled for her to stop. She thought that it was a game and couldn't see how much danger she was in.) There's so much adrenalin coursing through your veins at a time like that and the horror show of what could have been is so fresh in your mind.

I find that it is fairly easy, under normal circumstances, to redirect my daughter's attention from the "bad" things that she does or finds toward more acceptable alternatives. It's time consuming and involves a lot of hands-on interaction, but It's worth it to me. I don't want to control her with threats and fear. (Which was the normal way of doing things when I was growing up.) I want to guide her and teach her and hopefully help her understand how to make the right choices for herself.

I usually only resort to spanking when they do something that can endanger them like run out into the road or something like that. Other than that it is usually a grounding or a time out.

I trully do believe that apart from all the 'child protection' laws out there, spanking still has a place. But not beating but abuse, but a quick sharp smack to the bottom can do a world of good if applied at the right time.

I would however say to apply them sparingly so that when they do get a spanking they remember it and the reason they got it.

I totally agree with the previous two posters. The less you use spanking, the more effective it is in a situation where it absolutely has to be done (the child puts himself or others in danger).

The original poster asked about alternatives to spanking. Most of the child development studies that I've read say that there is a direct correlation between spanking and anti-social behaviors including aggression, bullying, and lying. In fact, the data seems to indicate that when you look at the long term, spanking encourages children to act out and then lie to cover up their behavior, rather than discouraging the behaviors we're trying to correct.

There's a lot of information on the internet about alternatives to spanking. The most important thing is to keep your response to behavior proportional and appropriate to the age of the child.

In the end, hitting a child who has just had a scare may provide you with a release for all of your pent-up adrenaline but it's not really going to help your child to understand why you're so upset.

Maybe these close calls should serve as notice that its time to evaluate how we're training our children to listen or ignore our verbal instructions.

I am with Ms.Andi and tater03. I think that sometimes when you need to get their attention in a dangerous situation there is nothing else you can do. However I am always open to things other then physical punishment.

Maybe, but if an 18-month old comes close to pulling over a pot of scalding water, he won't be scared. Any amount of talking you do will make him curious. Any alternative discipline results in him doing it when he is mad because he knows it is wrong, knows it irritates Mommy, and knows that he can handle the correction (what's a time-out compared to that funny face Mommy and squeal makes when he does it?). The knowledge that everytime he touches the stove, whether it is hot or not, he gets a sharp tap on the hand, however, might save him from a trip to the emergency room and permenant scarring. It does not make me feel better and I resent the idea that it is "a release for all of your pent-up adrenaline." There are times in a child's development when you cannot reason with them, when there is no way to "help them understand why you're so upset." During these times, however, they aren't immune to accidents.

I know a couple whose three year old died after climbing on a bookcase. It fell on him and crushed him. "We told him over and over not to," they said. Yes, they should have been watching (because parents never have to go to the bathroom, flip the laundry or answer the doorbell), yes they should have anchored it, but they also should have discplined the child in a way that he knew the shelves were off-limits. Obviously, at three he did not understand the concept that they could fall on him.

I was blatantly against any form of corporal punishment before I had children. Since then, I have accepted the discipline guidelines that my old psych professor told me -- physical displine has its place, but only to correct situations that absolutely can not happen again. If it is overused, and replaces everyday corrections, it loses its importance. Of course, I poo-poo'ed that idea back when I was an "expert."

Originally Posted by Ms.Andi

The original poster asked about alternatives to spanking. Most of the child development studies that I've read say that there is a direct correlation between spanking and anti-social behaviors including aggression, bullying, and lying. In fact, the data seems to indicate that when you look at the long term, spanking encourages children to act out and then lie to cover up their behavior, rather than discouraging the behaviors we're trying to correct. There's a lot of information on the internet about alternatives to spanking. The most important thing is to keep your response to behavior proportional and appropriate to the age of the child. In the end, hitting a child who has just had a scare may provide you with a release for all of your pent-up adrenaline but it's not really going to help your child to understand why you're so upset. Maybe these close calls should serve as notice that its time to evaluate how we're training our children to listen or ignore our verbal instructions.

I agree with the idea that there is a correlation between how a child is raised and how that child behaves though I am not sure that I agree with the results of whatever studies you have read as my experiences have shown the opposite to be true.

I have a step-son who exhibits extremely anti-social behavior and he has probably only had maybe three or four spankings in his life. he is now almost 11 years old. I am not sure what the issue with his discipline is because he exhibits all the behaviors stated above for a child who is spanked repeatedly, ie: lieing and bullying.....

It is an interesting topic though as I would really like some ideas on discipline.

My daughter is currently only a year old and I would like to start her off right. My husband and I were both raised with somewhat excessive spanking and for us, that is not the way to go. The occassional spanking may be something we would consider but we really would prefer other alternatives.

It's interesting with young children though as their logic is not yet developed and time out may not be appropriate either.

Hopefully I have a well behaved child and don't have to worry about it too much......no Super Nanny at my house I hope.