Parental Filter

My father has been sick and they are suspecting lung cancer. I don't want to jump the gun but how do I prepare my two sons for what may come if he does have lung cancer? They are so very close to their grandparents and I cannot fathom how they will react to his being sick and the treatment he may have to endure. Thanks

I am sorry to hear about your father. You didn't say how old your children are, but I would advise gentle honesty. There is an excellent UK site called Winston's Wish, it is designed to help children to deal with bereavement but it also has a section with advice on helping children to seal with a serious illness in the family.

tater, I am sorry that your father is ill, I hope all goes well for him. I have used the Winston's Wish site and it is very good. They suggest some helpful books for various age groups too.

I'm sorry to hear that your family is having to go through this. Tough call here... I guess the one thing I'd say is that I'd wait until they're sure before telling the children. It's really not necessary to have them scared if it turns out to be something else.

When it's time to tell them... well then gently, as someone else suggested. They should be prepared in a way that's appropriate for their age.

One other note... kids are very observant, so if you think they sense something is wrong, it's probably better to get it over with. Kids pick up on even very subtle things being wrong in a family.

I'm sorry about your Dad, Tater. I hope this is helpful.
My husband's dad had a very bad heart and had had heart attacks and surgery. Our kids were quite young as this all happened,, and I don't know if they really understood our explanations.
The kids were about six and eight when their Grandpa had a stroke. They went to school one day and by the time they came home he was dead. I don't know if our youngest really understood, but our son did and he was terribly upset.
Our son took to wearing a plaid shirt his grandpa had given him. He wore it for quite a while, even in the summer. By the time the shirt was falling apart, he'd outgrown it. After that, I knew he kept it under his pillow, and then it disappeared.
That was his way of "processing" his Grandpa's death. Lots of family and folks suggested it wasn't a good idea for him to do that, but we blew them off. Our son grieved in his own way, and came to a peaceful place about his Grandpa. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if your boys grieve in their own way when the time comes,( even if other people think it's "inappropriate"), it might take awhile, but they will have been able to work it out themselves, which I think is for the best.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. My sons are 9 and 7. I did let them no that their Grandpa is not feeling well because there is a lot of stress around here and I wanted them to be aware of what was going on. I didn't go into details as to how bad it could be because until we know there is no reason to tell them that. I just told them that he is not feeling well and that the doctors are aware are trying to figure out why he don't feel really well.

I certainly hope there's no reason to tell them anything else, Tater.
I just remembered that a friend of ours who was studying psychology at the time told us that it was important to let our kids know that what was happening wasn't their fault. She said that kids can sometimes think that because they did something bad, this was the punishment.
As our son is very emotional and sensitive (he'd never admit it, though), we made sure we made that point with him.

This is very important. It may even be something we're not aware of... "Grandpa told me to pick up those toys and I didn't listen to him, now he's sick!" To that child it makes all the sense in the world, even if not to us.

Here Today makes a very good point, my dad became seriously ill when I was 6 and for years I thought it was my fault because in some way I had not been good enough or had not loved him enough. I didn't ever tell anyone how I felt, I just became very anxious and afraid.

Thank you, I will definitely let them know that it is nothing that they have done that has made Grandpa sick. So far we are still waiting on some last minute tests to see where this is going to go.